Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.