Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
sry
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
this is the most humiliating day of my life