i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
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ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
R.I.P.