The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience