Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
emergency phone
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are