Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.