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@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

@trashcanbee

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

@emilyhughes

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@david8hughes

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

@AnkCoupleTO

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

@LinajkReturns

Talking with a 17 year-old who is ‘living life with no regrets’ reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.

@KateQFunny

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.