[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*