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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.


My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house


Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment


Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.


Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.


Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not


Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know


Talking with a 17 year-old who is ‘living life with no regrets’ reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.


Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.