My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“ALL OF THEM!”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.