@Ygrene

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

You Might Also Like

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@pleatedjeans

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

@rupert_franklin

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

@MrLloydSpandex

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@BoiSmurfie

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

@_keels_

I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.