yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I ain鈥檛 never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 馃槶
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
馃ぃ馃槶 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it鈥檚 still today
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I鈥檇 like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.