@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

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@sixfootcandy

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

@StickyickyBuns

My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.

@Fred_Delicious

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

@RedIsDead

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

@WheelTod

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

@cjwerleman

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

@Samiam556

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?