yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
never forget
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Spotted in New Orleans.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too