You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype
Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?
Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.