yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.


My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.


Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam


That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.


I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.


Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.


You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside


Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very


I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.


Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.