I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
You Might Also Like
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.