the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
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it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.