A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.