yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time

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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”


You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.


Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.


DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?


Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.


honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary


On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.


If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.


me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth