“The Perfect Relationship”
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.