@JennyJohnsonHi5

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

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@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

@weinerdog4life

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@Underchilde

Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

@truegritrumble

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?