“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth


Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come


them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal


Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.


Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”


Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.


ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?