“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato