“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Y’all know who you are.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.