I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.
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I’ve got 99 problems,
but my OCD wants one more.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW CARS CAN NEVER TOUCH ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT CAUSING DAMAGE. THE TRUE MISERY OF THE METAL FLESH IS ISOLATION. A CAR MAY NEVER CUDDLE ANOTHER CAR
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing