@SamuelHLowe

Year: 2020
Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.

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@_sweet_ham

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@phalguy

I’ve got 99 problems,
but my OCD wants one more.

@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

@Brianhopecomedy

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

@daddydoubts

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

@HTHRFLWRS

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW CARS CAN NEVER TOUCH ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT CAUSING DAMAGE. THE TRUE MISERY OF THE METAL FLESH IS ISOLATION. A CAR MAY NEVER CUDDLE ANOTHER CAR

@ProdigyNelson

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@jonnysun

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing