Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK