* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids