Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
From my Mom
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?