@tweetsbyrocket

[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch

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@daneZie

My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.

@TheAlexNevil

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

@JenAshleyWright

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.

@TheTweetOfGod

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

@dafloydsta

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

@BoogTweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?