me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]
me: what’s for lunch?
co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch
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UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*gets up and leaves
Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…
Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.
“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?