@tweetsbyrocket

[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch

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@MarfSalvador

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

@sophielou

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@ArchiePeeler

Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news…

Wife: We’re having a baby!
Son: Keep it in there.
Me: Well, we can’t —
Son: Keep. It. In.

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@NewDadNotes

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.