[year 2074 and im the last non-robot at my office]

me: what’s for lunch?

co-workers: [in unison] watts for lunch

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My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.


*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear


Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.


Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.


I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.


People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.


Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.


“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills



ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family


Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?