Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
You Might Also Like
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Whoa 😂
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club