Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.