Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams