@rachelle_mandik

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

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@skitzoette

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

@llvvzzz

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

@3sunzzz

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

@Marlebean

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)