year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Easy enough.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
*gets down on one knee*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air