Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*