Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance