Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Not my job 😂
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October