Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

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Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue

*Never shuts the hell up*


Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.


I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.


[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants



I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”


I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.


Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?


[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”


When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.