@NotPeterStark
Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue
*Never shuts the hell up*
@OfficialMizGin
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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@NotPeterStark
@Cpin42
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
@simoncholland
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
@PJTLynch
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
@Sassafrantz
I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”
@2tickytacky
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
@TeaAndCopy
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
@Paige__xxx
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
@WheelTod
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.