Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Your secret is safeish with me
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?