@thestinkerbell_

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

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@LindseyEllison2

If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

@Token_Geezer

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

@Douchekevin

I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.

@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

@kumailn

Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.