If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.