[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I am also baked goods
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
somebody come look at this
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.