[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I love the National Park Service.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
New comic up. “Ransom”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.