Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Spell check is for lasers.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.