@JohnLyonTweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

- @JohnLyonTweets

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@wildvulture

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

@eerrriiicaa

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

@JJSummertime

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

@ThaJawn

I grew up on cartoon violence

So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about

@garrettbarry70

Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.

Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.

Wife. Thanks.

Me. No problem.

*Kicks pony tail under bed.

@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

@Cheeseboy22

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies