Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
You Might Also Like
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Mouse
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.