Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
This a good idea
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”