Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off