[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.