[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
all that yoga finally paid off
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Otters see a butterfly.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]