Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.