How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”
My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.