@Staggfilms

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

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@WorldofWid

Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

@TattleTSister

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

@Playing_Dad

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

@Moldy_Jellybean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@NomDeBenoit

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

@BoomBoomBetty

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

@presidentgay

my therapist: so when did this all start?

me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12

@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.