[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.