Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
my therapist: so when did this all start?
me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.