Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.