[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.