@markydoodoo

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

You Might Also Like

@prozdkp

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

@trustmedaddy

My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep

@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

@AnOrangeSNES

“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*
“Yes”

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@david8hughes

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

@funWindow

Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now

@DeanOkay

My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.