a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.