My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Only short people can save us
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.