*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”