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Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
When I snag the last meatball.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO