Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

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I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.


My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.


CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99


MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap


just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair


”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!


When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.