Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute


I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.


*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.


I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids


I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.


[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?


Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?


if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”


If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene