Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.