@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

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@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@Vodkantots

I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.

@Dee_Aye_Bee

*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.

@Token_Geezer

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

@KenJennings

I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

@noogscorner

Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?

@GrantTanaka

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

@Fred_Delicious

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene