I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called
Thai Me Up.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.