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@junejuly12: Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
@Darlainky: *loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
@JaySuch: My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they're lazy.
@lamiejunquest: Why are bridges so flammable.
@ThePocketJustin: I'll take your LEAST sexual soup.
@tehaveragejoel: Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.