Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.