Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.