@UncleDuke1969

Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.

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@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

@Rollmaninoz

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@Parentpains

My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.

@Parentpains

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.

@BrendanHealy4

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

@jergarl

[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired

@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.