Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)
Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”