Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.

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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome


Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.


Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem


went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes


My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.


Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.


Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’


[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired


HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.