Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful