Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Geez man, take it easy.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”