Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

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yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”


society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week


The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.


therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine


When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice


At this point in my life, my biological clock isn’t so much ticking as it is knitting.


I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks