Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left