[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry