[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
#MeanwhileInCanada
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
How software testing works
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
